Tragedy

9 Jan

There have been some updates in my life, changes that have made me not want to get back into blogging. I’ve been neglecting my blog long before my tragedy, but I had always planned to come back but life seemed to get in the way.

On November 15th my mother passed away. My mom was my biggest supporter and my best friend. My mother was the person who I confided everything in and was always there for me even when I was wrong. She always pushed me to do my best and whenever I felt I couldn’t do something she pushed me to try harder. I am the person I am today because of my mom.

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They still don’t know what caused my mom’s death. She was fine, while she had battled cancer two years prior her cancer was in remission and did not cause her passing. We still are waiting for the autopsy reports, I think the hardest thing is not knowing what happened. She went to the ER on a Wednesday and was released home with what they said was a UTI. Saturday night she was still sick with a high fever and went back. She was admitted overnight. Sunday they stat flighted her to Louisville. I found out my mom was sick on that Sunday. I immediately went to the hospital, but because they flew into Louisville they had to intabated her and paralyzed her. I stayed with her until that Tuesday when she passed. During this time she was unable to speak and wasn’t alert. We had many specialists come in from all over the city and they just couldn’t find the cause of what was making her sick.

I am still devastated beyond belief. I don’t know how to get through this. I try everyday to feel something, but I am just existing. I don’t know how to live without my mom. My mom did everything for me. I use to talk to my mom daily, even when I lived out of the country it didn’t matter I talked to her through everything. The hardest part is knowing that we were fighting before she died, I hadn’t spoken to her for two weeks. To know that I was angry with her over something so stupid and that I didn’t get to spend time with her before her death is probably the thing that is making it so painful. My mom was everything to me. She was my family. Now I’m alone. I’ve got a sister who is 12 that I am trying to be strong for but I feel so alone 90% of the time. Everyone says how strong I am and that I am coping really well but there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t cried or felt like I could get out of bed. I’m still working and that is probably the only thing keeping me going because it keeps me busy.

I have decided to blog again for my mom. My mom read ever blog entry I did and would always tell me how proud she was that I had the courage to post online what I was doing, even when I failed. It’s going to be hard to not have her to share my blog with but I think I need it in order to start finally living again.

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3 Responses to “Tragedy”

  1. Mary January 9, 2012 at 1:13 am #

    Very sorry for your loss. :[

  2. Megan January 9, 2012 at 4:10 pm #

    I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling right now. I wish you peace, and over time, I wish for your pain to lessen. Sending prayers from AZ.

  3. sparklingmimi January 31, 2012 at 12:54 pm #

    I am so sorry for your loss. It’s a tragedy and not knowing what happened makes it even harder. You will always miss your Mom but I also know from my own experience that in time you will learn to go on living. Her presence will always be with you and you will eventually laugh again. If you want to talk please feel free to email me at Sparklinmimi@yahoo.com. I have been where you are. I lost my Dad when I was 17. It was the hardest time in my life. I’m here to listen if you need a friend. You are in my prayers. God Bless… Mimi

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